May 22nd, 2022
Creative Stories, Poetry and Unfiltered Personal Thoughts
(Mostly unedited to help add more writing into my routine.)
In the darkness I stay. The comforting, rhythmic purring from the cat, who growls and hisses at me throughout the day. In the darkness I lay. The same mind that motivates me to do more physically, emotionally, and mentally is now heavy and out of energy. The consistency of my thoughts is like a carnival ride. Exciting, terrifying and torn down every few weeks.
I sit on my patio in the sun feeling the sweat rise from my pores and gravity pushing them down my body. I let the sun drain the negative thoughts from me and hope they will go away, but instead they evaporate and will once again drip down my mind. It’s only a matter of time.
The breeze hits me and my head pries itself from the ground as that’s all I seem to look at when I’m like this. When it aligns with the sky there’s a different feeling inside me that is familiar. It’s a feeling I know all too well yet it feels like the first time whenever it happens. I get lost in this moment. Allowing myself to soak it in as if it was a milestone experience or one that felt life changing. I guess for me it is life changing. My senses erupt for the first time in days. The sun no longer feels like a nuisance but a comforting warmth. The noises are no longer dulled. I hear various birds singing and chirping to one another, possibly even me. The touch of the breeze feels soothing to the blistering pain from my brain. The smells of the flowers and grass swarm my nostrils. The taste for life feels restored.
It all started a few days ago. A moment in which I saw someone I loved in an unrecognizable state. It lead into my already emotional monthly period with the addition of some relationship hurdles. That’s what it took to bring me back to this state of mind. The difference though is that I’m continuing to work through it. I’m pushing myself to continue to be productive. The mind still feels heavy but life is going on. I’m stronger than I have been previously and I am aware. With this awareness I’m continuing to do my projects to help me change my career around by the age of 40. At least it’s a hope of mine. Continuing to stay disciplined but not harsh on myself. Giving me space to breathe a bit from the schedule I have created as I know my mind will daze off into its own world. The important thing is that I’m catching it mid-way. I notice when minutes go by and I’m staring off, thinking about something that makes my body feel upset, or that I haven’t done anything productive from the list of things I want to do in a day. I look at my document to see what I have done to remind myself that I am pushing through. That it isn’t like the other times. That I’m able to feel this pain and also contribute something to the world.
As silly as it may sound to some, the comics have helped me through some tough times such as this. The daily comic specifically has been pushing me every day to start my day when sometimes I just want to stay in bed. Once I’m done with it I am craving more. I understand the need for a routine in our lives. It gives us direction. Yes we can take breaks and enjoy the freedom life has for us, but there are moments when too much freedom or options means more procrastination. We push things off and end up doing something we feel comfort in, which at times may not be helping us to grow. We do need these comforts in our life, but what I’m talking about is the need to try something different, something new, and something a bit more complex. Challenging ourselves just the right amount as not to scare us off, dread it, or get burnt out. Finding a balance by finding something we enjoy doing, want to do, and potentially creating a future with. Trying various hobbies to see the right fit may work for you. It may also get you to feel defeated as if you’re going through them and nothing seems to click so you give up and go back to your norm as that’s been working for you. To what extent has it been working?
Pick up another hobby and find something that lightens your soul, makes you crave learning, and excites you as you progress. Remember you probably won’t be good at it at first or even for awhile, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about expanding that routine that helps our mindsets. Routines are important but they can often fall into the category of comfort zones. Not always bad, but also not always good. Reach out to a friend who may be doing something you’re interested in such as crocheting and see if they’d like to help you get started or even do it with you; pick up a few Udemy courses as there are so many sales (definitely read the reviews) and find a hobby or class that may enrich your life a bit more. Pick up a pencil or use notepad and start writing. Share your recipes and share your stories in a blog or start writing for you to release words and emotions that have been bottling up inside. Use your gaming system be it a computer or console to learn something tangible! Rocksmith is pretty amazing for beginner musicians who enjoy gaming or something like Car Simulator to get a feel for how a car works and potentially engages you to start working on a real car. These changes don’t have to be major. Hell, look at my comics for instance. They aren’t works of art, but they make people smile and push my mind away from negative thoughts.
With that being said, I’m moving on to drawing today then coding and then my guitar lesson before my weekend begins.
Until the next Scenario.