July 10th, 2022
Fourth Month Progression Update Edition
Another month has gone by and a lot has transpired since then. Reflection as always and the emotional rollercoaster I go on every day. I realized the way I was handling this time off was not what I set out to do. Yes, I have been doing elements that I wanted to do such as coding, writing, drawing, music, and exercise but the underlying stress that came along during this time has prevented me from doing it to my full potential. Pain caused by others and fear caused by unemployment have plagued my mind. It has taken energy and motivation away and added doubts. I must continue on though. I have continued to create my daily comic but have removed it from a more visible source as it was adding unnecessary pressure to myself. I wanted it to be not only for me to be disciplined but also to raise smiles upon others’ faces. I noticed I was hurting from this as I was feeling unsupported by those that I care about. I needed to remind myself to focus not on those people but the ones who have shown support and excitement. I once again found the joy I did when I began. I had also been working on a project with a friend of mine as a birthday gift. We worked on a one-off D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) session based on Batman. You may or may not know the amount of work that goes into D&D but it does take a while and a lot of creativity. As rusty as I was, I feel like it went pretty good, but man am I awful at voices. I probably should stick to creation and not the execution part.
I have continued to grow bonds with friends that have always been there regardless of where my mind went. Many laughs and conversations were had due to our weekly virtual hangouts and chatroom that is always there when we need it. A group created after the majority of us left a company most of us worked at. Before Covid there would be monthly in person group hangouts starting as a breakfast/brunch thing then emerging into so much more. Although I slip away every now and again because of my mental state, they always welcome me back with open arms, inspirational/insightful words, and supportive tones with that humor that brings a smile to my face. My good friend who resides in Chicago has been supportive of my journey and she continues on with hers. Seeing the tribulations she has gone through and where she is now warms my heart. One of the strongest women I know. She also motivates me to continue learning music. It overjoys me to think we can collaborate. A former coworker and friend continues to be there via text, who is going through similar difficulties. Yet, he is always willing to converse and be vulnerable even after being hurt too. My weekly phone calls with my mom as she is also going through her own pain have comforted me and I believe her as well. Whenever I go out to the disc golf course I will try and find wild flowers to photograph and send to her so she knows she is always on my mind. Although it hasn’t been often I also share some time with a couple of my nephews in the gaming world. Hearing their voices and how their minds continue to evolve throughout the years still amazes me. My cats give me the cuddles I need while I’m home alone during the day, and they both take turns filling in the lap time Koschque used to give me. Ashtonn and I continue to learn about each other and work together on our relationship. He is helping to teach me patience and positivity during the times when I’m blinded by negativity, and I am trying to get him to wipe the counter after he brushes his teeth. That and well me challenging the hell out of his emotional intelligence and foresight. As frustrating as it can be at times we know the benefits of this growth now to continue building a stronger relationship and bond. A foundation can’t be forgotten about, because just like a house sometimes the foundation cracks and it’s good to keep taking care of it down the road.
They all keep me company during these days in which I feel alone. Even though I was working remote I still had people around in a sense so now that I’m not working I’m mostly left to the birds that sing to me when I feed them; the cats that meow at me until I feed them; and my thoughts that haunt and comfort me until I release them in my writing, music, or drawings.
I’ve progressed in my comics by learning animation. Hours upon hours for seconds. Sometimes I don’t know if it is worth doing, but it is fun so I’m going to continue it. I’ve been learning C# computer language and the Unity game engine, which has been fun and interesting. I need to start creating a game to practice, and I think I’m going to use my daily comic characters to do this. The children’s book has been restarted about three times with some time away from it, but I’ve been enjoying the version that I’ve been writing at the moment. I’m working on two childrens’ books currently. One I believe will be an app as that is where I am wanting my career to go (children’s education apps/games) and the other one will be an actual book. I need to do more with this and will continue with taking breaks from my blogs here as they didn’t feel like they were worth the amount of time that went into them. Worth being relative as maybe they did help one person, and well for that one person I’m sure we can have a conversation. I am feeling a bit defeated at the moment, when it comes to wanting to help people but that’s where the daily comic has come into play. They take hours to do each day, but I really do like the idea of giving someone something to look forward to and as mentioned previously shed some happiness into their lives even at a smaller scale. If my words are unable to do so then maybe my creativity can. I wake up, think of a comic idea, start putting it together, and post it on Instagram, Twitter, Reddit, and of course my site.
I’m an active dreamer and with that a lot of people that I have known and don’t know come to visit me in them. This has been tough as the people that do show up tend to be ones that I miss dearly. I know that they are not real, don’t worry, but I do feel a sadness when I awake and know the reality is that they are not physically near me. Some of the people who visit me are ones that have discarded me from their lives yet they linger in mine through my thoughts and dreams. It’s tough wanting to keep the path open to those who have left. I will send messages to them as a way to reach out, but with no replies I never know if I should be doing this. If it is doing harm to them instead of my intentions, which is to show that I still care and the positive impact they have made on my life. I’m often confused by those who are able to stop responding. Wanting to repair what has been broken even if the bridge isn’t used again. I don’t know. It’s hard for me not to focus on others as they are the ones that have helped form the life that I live and the person I have become. Focusing on myself seems difficult, but that is what I must do. July, I will be upping my game and putting even more time into what I need to see a change in my life.
I hope that those who visit this page and those who don’t are doing as well as you can with the world as chaotic as it is. I hope that your hearts are healing if they have been broken; minds find peace if you are stressed; and you find comfort if you feel pain. I hope, like me, you remind yourself that you need to take care of yourself as others will come and go but you are the one who remains.
Until the next Scenario.