November 6th, 2022
Every year I write up a summary right before my birthday on Facebook, but since I only utilize that platform for sharing my comics, messenger, and memories, I feel like it would be more appropriate to share this on my own website now. Since it’s Sunday I also felt this would fit the format of one of my SundayShortS.
Oh what a year it has been. I left my job, expanded my website, started learning new mediums, improved in disc golf, fell in love with creating comics, and had a lot of time to think without others. Life seems to get in the way of thinking. Or at least it feels as if it may distort it a bit. I am often confused by what life brings us be it opportunities, distractions, people, pain, or anything else you can possibly think of. I gained a lot of clarity in this past year.
I have a better understanding of my needs and wants. I stumbled for decades trying to be someone I’m not. Fitting in with others is the way of life. As much as we want to be independent and express our individuality ultimately to succeed in this world (in the way most people define success) we must be adaptive and conform to aspects that our core fights against. This isn’t as clear for a lot of people as they have accepted this mindset a long time ago or feel the amount of individuality they have is good enough for them. Now, if we look at our lives and dissect it a bit we may come to realize the amount of time spent on things that do not define who we “actually” are.
Think about the many hours worrying about our physical appearance not because of health reasons but judgment from others and also judgment we learned at a young age. How about those fake smiles and voices we had to use to ensure another person felt at ease in the workplace or in our personal lives to get through to the next day because that person wasn’t ready or wanting to hear something you had to say. There’s always the use of words that we felt were necessary for a circumstance that didn’t fully reflect our thoughts. Those times when we laughed at something that wasn’t funny and possibly even offensive to avoid confrontation. Then we go even deeper into changing our being. Working at a company that has gone against our morals. Pushing aside a passion that leads to no money to take on something that brings us more stress for money. Staying in relationships that hurt you; staying in a city in which you no longer love; and the list goes on and on.
I say this with a complete understanding that circumstances don’t always allow for us to be who we want to be, but that’s the whole point. We have learned to accept situations with the understanding of “that’s what life is”. The difference is, we’ve combined rationalizing certain aspects of acceptance with denials of ourselves. Everyone has done it, I’m not excluding myself. This year I’ve pushed against it even more so than I usually did. I leaned up against what others have defined as their lives with the weight of my own definition. I have reclaimed a lot of who I was before others got into my head. I realize with this came separation.
My views on life may sound completely off to someone who is only able to focus on a few ways of living or do not want to accept that their way of life isn’t the only way. I truly feel this is supposed to be a part of my journey, including the isolation. I do miss certain interactions, but at this moment in my however long life, I feel a sense of peace. Normally when I speak to someone else that peace withers away to a certain degree. With that I allow myself time alone and hope that others will understand. So during this period of time when I’m actually able to escape the life I once thought I had to accept because so many others did, I am trying to gain confidence and connect this feeling to my core. That way when I have to go back into the world for financial survival purposes, I will hopefully bring this peace with me.
This past year I took a break. Although the world seeped in the way it always tends to do, I was able to embrace the time that so many people don’t have out there and focus. It has been a struggle and as always a work in progress, but I feel that younger version of me closer to the exterior. As I move on to the age of 39, I want her to experience life without barriers that society had placed upon her before. I didn’t do everything I wanted to do when it comes to milestones, but hell, it’s good to see Sandra again even if others don’t understand her.
I’ve lost friendships during this progression in my life; I’ve lost family that never got to know me; and I lost a pet this year. The pain I felt for each of these losses was immense. There was a lot of emotions, memories, and realizations that came along with them that I processed. I’ve bonded with my significant other in ways that I hoped would come, even though others told me that it never would. I’ve connected with people through a voice I never thought I’d be able to share. I’ve enjoyed learning a new sport and experiencing it with my significant other. Let’s not forget about art. The outlet that’s helped me through the struggles I’ve had during my time off and I’m sure will help me through many more .
Just like my art, my words are no longer mine when I put them out into the void. Just like my art, my words may not connect with you or be heard in the tone that I created them in. But just like my art, my words are a reflection of who I am. Someone who is trying to survive as best as I can, with hope that I progress each day that passes with an understanding that I always won’t.
Until the next Scenario…